Such a thoughtful gesture

The Nearing Household (that’s how it was addressed) received a postcard from our bank, the Corner Bank of Down the Jersey Shore. It was such a thoughtful gesture. The bank’s vice president wanted to reassure us that, barring the unforeseeable, there would be no runs on the bank in the near future. That was the headline: Rest Assured!

This most assuredly did not rest us. In fact, it had quite the opposite effect. It sent me straight to the google to investigate the current health of the bank. All the numbers look good, but does that really mean anything?

Maybe the auditors have major drug addictions to feed and just plug in the numbers they’re told to.

Maybe, like Enron, the Corner Bank of Down the Jersey Shore has some hideously creative off-the-balance sheet entities that will cause the bank to collapse.

Maybe the Corner Bank of Down the Jersey Shore is planning on writing down $3 trillion’s worth of subprime loans over Memorial Day weekend and then close its doors forever.

I know, I know, our accounts are FDIC insured -- but only if the FDIC doesn't crap out.

Rest Assured! I wish they had never sent us the damn thing. Now I’m spooked.