Friday, July 20, 2007

Let's play Testikelausschnitt!

What is it with conservative pundits and their freaky fears of being de-balled?

First there was Rush Limbaugh and his testicle lockbox. Sadly for Rush, one of the permanent side effects of his major-league Oxycontin addiction is that he no longer has anything worth storing in his monogrammed lockbox. Rumor has it that he keeps a set of Great Dane-sized Neuticals in there just so the cleaning lady can hear something rattling around when she picks up the box to dust underneath.

Now Tucker Carlson has confessed, on more than one occasion, to his own Hillary Clinton castration fears. Whenever he sees or hears Hillary Clinton, he "involuntarily" crosses his legs in an instinctive effort to protect his man-tools.

This is what you get from MSNBC, which hires only the very best like Chris Matthews and Tucker Carlson to provide the insightful political analysis you need on the critical issues of the day to fill the air time until the pervert programming starts.

Just for fun, let's switch the genders here and see how it works. Let's put FOXNews' E.D. Hill into the role of Tucker, and Mitt Romney into the role of Hillary Clinton.

E.D. HILL: Mitt Romney scares me. I can't help myself -- I cross my legs every time I see or hear him on TV. It's instinctive, involuntary. He just looks like he can't wait to remove my rosebud… you know, that female genital mutilation thing they do in Africa. It's in his eyes. He's the mad scientist from those old black-and-white horror movies. And his sons, his sons all have that spooky look too. Bet they work as his surgical assistants. Bet they've done it to their wives.

I hope I never have to do [shudders in fear] a one-on-one interview with him!
Ooooh, bet that confession would bump up the ratings on FOX.

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