Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Introducing The Yikes! Awards

Special acknowledgment of recent contributions to the web's worst political writing...

The Story of O, Beta-Carotene, and Castration Award

And the winner is—Ann Althouse for her critical exegesis of the Soprano-spoofing Hillary Clinton ad.
Bill says "No onion rings?" and Hillary responds "I'm looking out for ya." Now, the script says onion rings, because that's what the Sopranos were eating in that final scene, but I doubt if any blogger will disagree with my assertion that, coming from Bill Clinton, the "O" of an onion ring is a vagina symbol. Hillary says no to that, driving the symbolism home. She's "looking out" all right, vigilant over her husband, denying him the sustenance he craves.

What does she have for him? Carrot sticks! The one closest to the camera has a rather disgusting greasy sheen to it. Here, Bill, in retaliation for all of your excessive "O" consumption, you may have a large bowl of phallic symbols! When we hear him say "No onion rings?," the camera is on her, and Bill is off-screen, but at the bottom of the screen we see the carrot/phallus he's holding toward her.

Oh, yes, I know that Hillary supplying carrots is supposed to remind that Hillary will provide us with health care, that she's "looking out for" us, but come on, they're carrots! Everyone knows carrots are phallic symbols. But they're cut up into little carrot sticks, you say? Just listen to yourself! I'm not going to point out everything.

The Ted Haggard Award for Suspiciously Excessive Homo-Insecurity

And the winner is—Ace of Spades for "Glenn Greenwald Calls Instapundit a Faggot."
I really think that questioning others' masculinity is a game probably better left to people who haven't had more cock in and out of them than a Tyson Chicken regional distribution center. I'm sorry, was that not turgid enough for Greenwald?…

Not that I'm saying homosexuality is incompatible with masculinity, of course. Consenting biweekly to having one's duodenum battered with the manic hydraulic fury of a tricked-out V-12 jackhammer manned by an epileptic Con-Ed worker with an ancestral oath of vengeance against asphalt would, I think, tend to butch one up, at least as regards one's pain threshold….

Is Instapundit A Homo? Well, I think I met him three times or something, and he never tried to pork me. Given the fact I'm 180 pounds of rompin'-stompin' Clydesdale-clompin' 180 proof sex, I'd say he successfully passed that test.

The Dale Gribble/Rusty Shakleford Clone Award

And the winner is—Scott Malensek of Flopping Aces for "Did Saddam's WMD Go to Syria? Part 1."
Have you ever noticed that it’s always politicians, media types, and either washed up or disgruntled, anonymous intelligence sources who claim there never was any WMD in Iraq?

The Red-Bulled Grad Student "Huh?" Award

And the winner is—Postmodern Conservative for "'Left' vs. Left ('Right' vs. Right)."
If the "way that the world is going" appears to favor the open-ended expansion and entrenchment of squalid, overpriced, invasive, pancultural, inefficient, counterconstitutional, and therapeutic politics, then after Bush only someone blind in one eye has the perspective to conclude that this favors the American left.

Young leftists of the sort that keep Adbusters one of the consistently sane mags on the stands are now experiencing the sort of nauseous reappraisal of Democratic orthodoxy as certain young conservatives are concerning post-Bush Republican orthodoxy. The only major gulf between these two groups is defined by the third vector among them of cultural libertarianism, which as I keep repeating is basically the question of sexual ethics.

As young leftists recover a wounded common sense about the putative benefits of getting into an S&M relationship with the price-tagged, pleasure-pimped System in exchange for a golden ticket to being Sexually Active, they will grow more truly toward the Right; as young conservatives increasingly detach from the corporate host which has come to depart -- in diversity programming, employee welfare programs, and product/service ethos, they will grow more truly toward the Left.

H/T to Instaputz and Alicublog.

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