Friday, September 04, 2009

Mr. Obama's Neighborhood

Listen up kids:

Okay -- teachers outside grabbing some smokes and gossiping? Okay.

You’re not going to hear what you thought you were going to hear.

First, don’t pay attention in class. Daydream instead. The way this country is going, those dreams are the only things you’re ever going to have.

Second, don’t listen to your parents and teachers -- you should know why not by now. Geez, just look at ‘em.

They voted for George W. Bush twice! They think Sarah Palin is smart! They still believe Saddam Hussein destroyed the Twin Towers! They all refinanced into interest-only option ARMs 6 months before the real estate market crashed! They didn’t diversify their 401k’s!

Sorry, kids, those are grown-up concerns. Got off target there.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. When you’re old enough, quit school. Really, there’s no reason to stay beyond age 15 or 16 because you’ll be able to hook and to cook by then, and that’s pretty much all the skilz you’ll be needing in 21st- century America.

Just don’t come crying to me when your meth-rotted teeth fall out during some domestic dispute. I tried to get you some healthcare but your parents and your teachers… well, Christ, go ask them. They still think Marx, Lenin, and Stalin are hiding under their bunk beds.

Look, I only have a few minutes so I have to wrap this up fast.

First, evolution is real. Don’t go believing all that creationism crap.

Second, abstinence doesn’t work. Use a condom. Each… and… every… time.

Third, if the hooking and cooking don’t work out, try to marry a Canadian.

Remember, if your parents and teachers ask, we talked about studying hard and making the honor roll and Japanese crap like that.

3 comments:

Dave B, a.k.a. catboxer said...

Bravo. What a bulls-eye piece of writing.

Randal Graves said...

It's too late for me to quit school, so should I move to Canada to work at a Tim Horton's? I'm confused.

Mo MoDo said...

I wish someone had told me all that when I was a kid. The years of therapy it would have saved.