When my doctor told me the tumor was benign, I kicked him in the balls. Hard.

It's an incurable liberal pathology: we turn violent when confronted with good news.

How do you make a Cambridge liberal cry? Tell him some good news.

Mention the amazing state of the American economy - low unemployment, rising wages and record-setting per-household wealth - and he’ll angrily fling his $4 bottle of Fiji in your face.

Show her the new NASA numbers debunking the “it’s the hottest decade on record” panic, and she’ll kick you with rain forest footwear.

Quote USA Today’s report that large al-Qaeda style attacks in Iraq are down nearly 50 percent since the troop surge began, and he may punch you with a “Peace Now” bumper sticker.

You yourself must witness, if not actively engage in, such events daily. Liberals everywhere just flipping out— punching, kicking, bottle-conking, and otherwise assaulting all bearers of good news. The jails can't hold us all; that's why there are so many of us still walking free.

Fair warning: If those trapped miners aren't dead, I'm going to choke-hold the bastard who tells me.

It seems some Democrats just aren’t going to be happy until we’re all broke, sunburned and sending our last child off to defeat in Iraq.

Sadly, not in my lifetime. We started far too late.