Flipping through my copy of The Onion's Ad Nauseum: Fanfare for the Area Man, I freaked to realize how many of the book's fractured horoscopes seem personally charted for BushCo and Associates.*
George W. Bush
Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
Your inhuman thirst for blood will finally be slaked for this week, leaving you with just a normal, human thirst for blood.
Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, much in the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.
The fairness of destiny isn't ours to judge, but if you feed hot sauce to a Rottweiler, you deserve everything you get.
Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass.
Never in your wildest notary-public dreams did you think the job would involve so little wanton sexuality.
Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the UN Insecurity Council.
Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
Between the drug money, the blood money, and the hush money, it's a wonder you have anything left to spend on sex.
They'll soon put you in a secure, soundproof, knife-filled room where you can't hurt anyone but yourself.
If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior.
*Just to be clear: the "horoscopes" are from The Onion; I just assigned names to them.
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