Do the words even matter anymore?

Bush's Radio Address Adapted for the Reality-Prone

Today we face two --maybe three, possibly four, five max -- issues of vital importance for all Americans. But since I can concentrate on only two issues at a time, I've chosen growing our economy and protecting our citizens from those who wish to do us harm. So in the weeks ahead, I will continue to focus on ways to ensure that our government takes the side of working families -- just focus, I won't actually do anything that will help working families -- and neither will Congress, for that matter. Oh, and America prevails in the war on terror. As we take the steps necessary to achieve these goals, we will make our future one of peace and prosperity. One, two, three, march and spread. One, two, three, march and spread.

Today we have good reason to be optimistic about our economy. You'll just have to trust me and Al Greenspan on this one. More Americans are working today at something and earning less than a living wage for doing it than at any time in our history. More Americans own their homes financed with interest-only mortgages than at any time in our history -- and isn't that exciting. More Americans are going to college, at least that's where they park their cars in between shifts at McDonald's, and own their own businesses, most of which do not provide employee health insurance and which will fail within the first five years than at any time in our history -- and a new economic report shows that inflation is in check, but that the check may bounce. Our policies have put us on the track to growth, but since the track is owned by Amtrak, heavy maintenance is needed.

Delivering opportunity means allowing families to keep more of the money they earn. So we enacted the largest tax relief in a generation. That is only a beginning. You need a reformed tax code that is simple, fair, and easy to understand, and rewards your hard work and entrepreneurial spirit, maybe with some leftover Braniff frequent flyer miles. And Congress needs to do its part by making the tax relief we passed permanent and burying the death tax forever. We've also buried 1,700 brave men and women forever, but I really shouldn't have said that, should I?

Delivering opportunity, like delivering hot pizzas and Buffalo wings, also means adapting to the needs of a new century. In this new century, American prosperity will increasingly depend on our ability to outsource our jobs, so we need to pass initiatives like the Central American Dominican Republic Free Trade Agreement to create a level playing field, excluding the pitcher's mound, and maybe expand Major League Baseball to the Dominican Republic -- wouldn't that be exciting. In this new century, Americans require a reliable and affordable supply of energy, so stock up on long-life batteries now.

As we work to deliver opportunity at home, we're also keeping you safe from threats from abroad. We went to war for a lot of reasons, most of which I can no longer keep straight. Some may disagree with my decision to remove Saddam Hussein from power, but all of us can agree that the world's terrorists have now made Iraq a central front in the war on terror -- because let's face it, the Iraqis are getting the shit bombed out of them, not us. These foreign terrorists violently oppose the rise of a free and democratic Iraq, because they know that when we replace despair and hatred with liberty and hope, one, two, three, march and spread, they lose their recruiting grounds for terror. We've also lost our military recruiting grounds here in the United States, but that's a topic for another Saturday radio address.

This mission isn't easy -- let's face it, we're screwed -- and it will not be accomplished overnight, or even over the next decade. We're fighting a ruthless enemy. They're not the pussies that Rummy said they were. By making their stand in Iraq, the terrorists have made Iraq a vital test for the future security of our country and the free world. We will settle for nothing less than victory -- one, two, three, march and spread.

I'll continue to pretend to keep our people safe from harm and our future bright Together we will do what Americans have always done: ruthlessly screw over each other in order to achieve the best return on investment possible.

Thank you for listening, and I hope this buys me at least another week in office.