Dear Chaplain Klingenschmitt:
Thank you for your recent offer to fax Congress on my behalf, warning them against the Matthew Shepherd Hate Crime Bill, also known as HR1913 and S909IS.
I was astonished to learn, as you detailed in the sample fax message, that the Matthew Shepherd Hate Crime Bill will “codif[y] protection of up to 547 types of sexually deviant behaviors.” Astonished, first, because that’s a huge number -- the Devil surely has a very good imagination indeed! Second, by the precise count -- certainly an admirable endeavor by all those involved. And third, by the fact that none of these behaviors is actually mentioned in either bill.
As carefully as I read the bills, I couldn’t find even the Top Eight Sexually Deviant Behaviors that are conveniently listed in your fax. No doubt yet another example of sloppy legislation on the part of those we send to Washington!
Incidentally, the correct term is frottage -- French, of course -- not fronteurism. I know this because of a rather unfortunate incident that occurred on a crowded elevator one day. Fronteurism sounds too American and wholesome to be a nasty sex thing; it conjures up images of John Wayne riding the wide open plains rather than aggressive buttocks rubbing.
Anyway, your kind offer to fax Congress for just $99 is very generous. As I figure it, that’s only about 18 cents per kinky sex act, a real bargain in today’s economy. Unfortunately, even at that reasonable rate, my family cannot spare the $99 at this time; I’m sure you’ll understand.
I am, however, enclosing a quarter. Would you please apply it towards urophilia.
Yours in Christ and sexual repression,
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