Sunday, June 28, 2009


In Outer Wingnuttia, one man's thoughtful affirmations are another man's hyper-hyperboles. So it is with Paul Williams's latest screech.

Obama’s Census to Castrate American Caucasians.

It's invasive.

It’s corrupt.

It’s rigged.

It’s unconstitutional.

Its purpose is the legislative transformation of the United States of America into a land where conservatives, Christians, and Caucasians will become political castrados [sic].

It is biased and prejudicial.

It serves to channel billions of dollars into bogus political action groups, such as Acorn.

It promotes gay rights and same-sex marriages.

It is a document that was not something drafted by the Berkley chapter of the Barbra Streisand Fan Club or the Alec Baldwin wing of the American Civil Liberties Union.

It is President Barack Obama’s 2010 Census Form.

Did Williams forget anything? Of course. He forgot to mention that while on their appointed rounds, the 2010 census takers -- high on crack and heroin in urban areas, crystal meth in rural areas, and Xanax in the suburbs -- also will be distributing free child pornography; spreading HIV/AIDS, also for free; and casing all domiciles for future armed home invasions.

What Williams wants -- other than the census be pared down to one question -- is for the census brigades to consist entirely of Aunt Bees and Miss Claras, clutching their clipboards and cooing over the garden gnomes and rose bushes. Seriously. He's calling for the gloved and hatted Daughters of the American Revolution, by name, to walk the streets in sensible shoes and conduct the kind of census that counts whites twice, blacks three-fifths of the time, and everyone else not at all -- you know, the demographics of Mayberry USA.

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