As the world collapses, who you gonna call?

Scary and yet somehow reassuring. The pungent astrologer in residence at The Onion correctly diagnoses my fugue state.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 23
Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.

And I’d like to dedicate this horoscope to all the on-airheads and analysts appearing on CNBC -- just substitute “teleprompter” for “horoscope.”

Gemini May 21-June 21
If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.