Election day

Today is election day here in Down the Jersey Shore. It means two things: (1) numerous annoying phone bank calls; and (2) no garbage pickup.

It’s inaccurate to say we actually have Republicans and Democrats down here. The slates of candidates for city council are most accurately described as The All-Whites and The Less-Than-All-Whites. Beyond that, everyone focuses on property taxes and taint -- taint being the substance hanging over whichever side had a member get busted for something over the past year. Taint is a highly transferable substance.

The political mailings only ever feature two stock characters: Widow White, who is well tended and really pissed off about property taxes; and Widower Less-Than-All-White, who is somewhat less well tended and slightly less pissed off about property taxes, but not much. Occasionally, he’s riding one of those zippy HoverRound wheelchairs.

This year’s Widow White city council mailing was a classic. She sported an expensive French tip manicure, freshly dyed hair that was expertly arranged to hide the thinning spots, modest pink lipstick, an outfit not purchased at the local Sears or Wal-Mart, a thin gold necklace with single pearl drop, a 65-year-old suntan, and a scowl that probably killed Mr. White at 50 paces.

And clutched in Widow White’s beautifully manicured claws and thrust toward the camera was a property tax bill, hence the killer scowl. Funny thing, though, when I looked really closely at the address on the tax bill with a magnifying glass, it was clear that it wasn’t for property in Down the Jersey Shore. It was a tax bill from a city four towns over.

Widow White is a fraud!

Hmm. Something tells me that this will be next year’s taint.