When the valedictorian is the dumbest kid in the class

Take pity on Bush's SOTU speechwriters. The prez just hasn't given them much to work with this year — with the exception that, as far as we know, Dubya wasn't busted for DUI in the preceding 12 months.

Doubt we'll be seeing many congressional purple fingers wagging for the cameras this time around. So what will be this year's buzzworthy State of the Union PR stunt?

Maybe a Coast Guard rescue crew can winch up Laura from the first floor to the balcony as Wynton Marsalas performs "Nearer My God to Thee." But that risks reminding us that New Orleans pretty much no longer exists and that FEMA official Marty Bahamonde took a crap in a SuperDome hallway.

Or maybe Karl Rove will prop up Sago Mine survivor Randal McCloy, Jr, next to Laura, and she can solicitously pretend-fiddle with his IV bags and stroke his hand. But that'll just remind us that mine safety isn't what it used to be.

For sure, prepositioned in the balcony and ready for her cue will be some lucky ducky oldster who aced her application for the new Medicare benefits. But also for sure we won't be seeing any of the low-income mentally ill who are once again hearing voices — not all of them Bush's — because paperwork foul-ups have left them without medication.

As to the actual content of the SOTU address? Oh come on. Pick a planet and a "threatening" Middle Eastern country.