SCRIPTOIDS: Debbie does Ted (whose real name is Ed)

Debbie Schlussel is ready: she's got the small dick joke photo caption, she's got the quantum leaps in logic loaded in their individual twisted rubber-band launchers, and she's got the historical amnesia-inducing spray micro-bursting out of the Glade Plug-in air fresheners.

In contrast to her usual posts, this is a scholarly work.

Tonight is a time for celebration. Why? Ted Koppel is leaving ABC News and "Nightline" forever.

Koppel (whose real name is Ed, not Ted) made his career off the backs of America's hostages in Iran, who spent well over 400 days in captivity.

Debbie (whose real name is Deborah, not Debbie) is almost right. Koppel gained prominence as the host of the post–11 o'clock news update on the hostages. But I wouldn't quite say he made a career off their backs. He'd been around before then, and he's been around since.

Debbie (a/k/a Deborah) probably forgets that in the late 1970s, there were no 24/7 cable news channels. CNN did not start broadcasting until the middle of 1980, and not everybody was wired for cable back then anyway. So Koppel's late evening updates were welcomed by millions of concerned Americans.

But The Deb doesn't see it that way. Koppel was simply aiding and abetting the enemy.

And Koppel's nightly broadcasts about them — which morphed into "Nightline" — didn't help their plight. No, Koppel's constant nights of attention to the Islamic hostage-takers in Iran helped Islamic terrorists, not just those under yesterday's Ayatollah Khomeini, but today's Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi and Osama Bin Laden.

Debbie, Debbie, Debbie (or do you prefer Deborah?) — Koppel was hardly the only person paying attention to the Iran hostage crisis. According to historian Gaddis Smith:

From the moment the hostages were seized until they were released minutes after Ronald Reagan took the oath of office as president 444 days later…, the crisis absorbed more concentrated effort by American officials and had more extensive coverage on television and in the press than any other event since World War II.

The Iran hostage crisis was a national obsession. It was the first time those now ubiquitous yellow ribbons appeared. But never mind. The sole responsibility is Koppel's to bear.

They knew — with the advent of constant attention to their evil acts, whether hostage taking or the murder of 3,000 — that they would get nightly attention to their demands. And nightly attention to their demands is exactly what Koppel gave them. Nightly consideration of their point of view.

Let's just say that Debbie (not her real first name) wanders off into some freaky territory after this point. She hates, just hates, Koppel for his snootiness, his bad toupee, his mispronunciation of Hebrew words, and because:

Koppel's unabashed pro-Palestinian terrorism slant in the disproportionate "Nightline" coverage of Israel was as obtrusive as a plus-sized model in a Victoria's Secret catalog.

I'm not quite sure if that analogy is most apt, but anyway now we know what Schlussel's real problem is: a giant Israeli-Palestinian bug up her ass.

For the record, Schlussel also hates Peter Jennings (she'd kick dog shit on his grave if it wouldn't dirty her stilettos) and also hates Koppel's leftist spewing spawn-bitch Andrea.