Does al Qaeda use a company letterhead?

From the fevered but limited imagination of Lee Ellis at MichNews comes A Letter From Osama bin Laden to All Sleeper Cells.

Just so no one thinks this is actually from OBL, Ellis helpfully inserts: "As imagined by Lee Ellis and translated into English."

Which raises two questions: Does Ellis do his imagining in Arabic and did MEMRI do the translation?

Ellis's OBL letter reads more like a memo from a mid-level manager who's trying to rally his sales team to meet the next quarter's projections in the face of stiff competition than a fatwa issued by the world's most notorious terror mastermind.

To all al Qaeda agents (both field and USA sleeper cells)

I especially want all agents who have successfully infiltrated USA colleges, public organizations, local neighborhoods and American political groups to follow my instructions in this message.

There is no way that we at al Qaeda can fight America’s tremendous military power and hope to win. These infidels, under George W. Bush, have amassed more financial means to fight us than any other country. Therefore, we must spend our limited financial resources on political and terrorist strikes. Thanks to our friends in Iran and Syria, we can continue our terrorist strikes to drive these American devils out of the Middle East so we can, once again, have Iraq under our thumb. We can easily create another “Saddam” to control the locals.

There are lots of these historical twisties in the letter. Did you know that al Qaeda and the Vietcong are friends? That apparently bin Laden was in Vietnam? And that al Qaeda is behind all the political correctness that's crippling America?

Americans are weak and easily fooled. During the Vietnam War, when our friends, the Viet Cong, thought that they had lost the battle in their Tet offensive, they were about to surrender. Then, they heard the American newsman, Walter Cronkite, announce on the CBS news that the USA had lost in this offensive, and they were amazed. Our friends simply decided to continue to fight, to hang in there, knowing that the American voters would become easily depressed and demand that their leaders bring home their troops and stop fighting. It worked; the Americans gave up.

It was here that I, your mighty Osama bin Laden, learned how Americans could be manipulated to give up. Their leaders make decisions not for that which will benefit the greatness of their country but rather by voter polls that may determine who will be in power in any upcoming election. We have enough appeasers now in political office to help us. Our public relations campaign for “political correctness” has worked well. We have these American puppets afraid of offending anyone.

Absolutely. If there's one thing that's dragging down the war in Iraq, it's the American obsession with political correctness.

Our prolonging the war in Iraq by attacking both the Iraqi citizens and the American troops via terrorist bombs and booby traps is working.

Ellis's "bin Laden" is too modest: it's working quite well, actually.

The Iraqis are fearful, as they watch the American protestors strut and shout on American and al-Jazeera TV, that the American weaklings will leave them to suffer by getting their poll-watching politicos to withdraw all troops!

And don't doubt it for a moment, folks: the nefarious al Qaeda have infiltrated the media and the web.

We, at al Qaeda, can hasten this by causing more trouble in America. Our front organizations on the Internet and with members buried in some of the leading American media are doing a good job in stirring up dissent amongst the voters.

Oh, to be sure, there are pockets of strong resistance in the American media, sorely testing the mighty Osama's patience. Can you guess who the brave and fearless leaders of the media resistance are?

Even though we have Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly and Brit Hume against us, we still have the power of the vast media giants, including the New York or LA Times and its columnists, the network newscasts and their Sunday News shows all apologizing for us or presenting our victories or political views. How can we lose?

Overall, though, I don't think bin Laden would be flattered by this imaginary letter. There are no praise be to Allahs. No fighting and slaying of pagans. No blood flowing in the streets. Just a few modest mentions of devils and infidels.

But even Osama would have to admit that the references to Rush Limbaugh , Bill O'Reilly, and Brit Hume are a nice touch.