Would Ben Shapiro let Paris Hilton do him?

Forget about Carl and Bob and Deep Throat, the virgin Ben Shapiro is much more hot, documenting in heavy-breathing detail Paris's sluttiness, bemoaning the crassness of American culture, and whoring his new book on porn. A dry hump trifecta.

Paris's real or implied sluttiness doesn't bother me, but her vapidity does. And her money. All that money. All that money and those huge tax cuts. And that perpetual tan.

The crassness of American culture doesn't bother me either. But the rising cost of all that exquisite crassness (using my monthly cable bill as the benchmark) does bother me. Crassness don't come cheap anymore.

And it's not the virgin Ben's new book on porn that bothers me -- no, wait, that does bother me. Such a tender and true soul should not be writing thoroughly researched and meticulously documented books on porn. Why should he risk joining the rest of his generation, "lost in a maelstrom of moral relativism in a culture obsessed with cheap, degraded, casual sex." He should consider serving in Iraq instead.

Yes, the virgin Ben has been strong so far, but the temptations must be growing daily, along with his fame in Rightwinglandia. Which brings me back to the question: Would the virgin Ben let Paris do him? Would he give in to expensive, upgraded, casual sex -- especially if it's good for book sales? I'd like to think so.