Sex in the hands of public servants is an ugly thing.

From 4parents.gov, the hip new government website on nasty teenage sex -- I mean, the nasty things that will inevitably happen if a teenager has sex -- come these conversation starters for cleverly segueing into "the talk." The conversation starters are the sole property of the United States government; the responses are mine.

Your jeans are looking a little short! How much taller do you think you've grown since last year? More changes are going to happen. Do you know what some of those changes are?

You're finally going to let me get breast implants like Britney Spears?!

I haven't seen Jason around here lately. Sometimes relationships with old friends change during teen years. How are things going with your friends?

Mom. I told you -- Jason married his old art teacher once she finished her sentence for child rape. Jeez. You never listen.

That song has a good beat, but the song makes it seem like having sex makes you a man (or woman). Do you think that's true?

No -- the song has a crappy beat.

They never talk about STDs on that television show, even though they have lots of stuff about sex. Have you heard about anybody at your school who has gotten an STD?

Just the guy I went to the prom with.

I heard that there was a wild party last weekend after the game. Have your friends been talking about it? Did you know that alcohol and drugs really increase the chances of having sex and geting [sic] a disease?

You should know, you were there.

I heard a commercial on the radio about always being prepared by having condoms. Do you or your friends think that condoms really make sex safe?

Just the guy I went to the prom with.

I overheard a couple of kids from the neighborhood saying that, if you're dating someone, you have to have sex with them in order to prove that you're loyal and you're not cheating on them. Do you think that's what loyalty is about?

Damn, my cell phone's dead.

Ms. Martin told me that there are five girls at your school that are pregnant. What do your friends think about teenagers having a baby?

They say it ruins your belly ring hole, like, forever.

Some guys go out for a good time over the weekend, and end up with thousands of dollars taken out of their paychecks for the next 18 years. Do you know how that could happen?

Cool -- you mean some guy would have to pay me for the next 18 years? Like, how? What do I have to do?

I was at the store yesterday and ran into Kendrick, Mrs. Jakes' son. He joined the military after high school. What do you think you want to do when you graduate from high school?

I don't know. . .making pyramids out of naked men looked kinda fun.

I know that you would like to have a family some day. Tell me about what you would look for in a wife (or husband). How will you know she (he) can be trusted to share the future with you?

Notarized living wills.

For more dating do's and don'ts for your teenager, check out 4parents.gov!