Grandma and Other Ghosts of Sluts Past

Wild Oats, Now and Later (Town Hall)

John R. Diggs, Jr., MD

There are very few truisms that I actually observe. This is one: never take condom advice from a doctor who is the medical advisor to the Family Research Council and writes columns like this one.

Every college student in America has heard multiple lectures on “safe sex.” But before rolling your eyes and mumbling, “Here comes another one,” let me say at the outset: This is not your grandmother’s sex lecture.

Well, no. Because apparently grandma was a hippie slut whore (and grandpa a horny bastard tool) who engaged in revoltin' sex and spread STDs from sea to shining sea:

Students reading this article have to pay the bill for the cavalier ways of the sexual revolution.

The "bill" being no sex, absolutely none, until marriage. Sex of absolutely no kind.

If you want to avoid [STDs], as old-fashioned as it sounds, the only truly effective strategy is to avoid sexual activity until you have found Neo, “the one”, and pledge ‘til death do we part.’

No dabbling in "the latest faddish alternative" either (which, sadly, he doesn't describe). Oh, and forget about serial monogamy, too.

Maybe you’ve read of students who have had sex only one time and yet contracted HPV [genital warts]. Sadly, they have paid the price of a culture that endorses multiple partners -- including "serial monogamy" -- which truly are the greatest risk factor for STDs. Before you resort to the latest faddish alternative, know that HPV and many other STDs can also be spread by sexual non-intercourse practices, too.

Sexual non-intercourse practices?! Couldn't we just spray down all the working parts with Lysol? Put condoms on all our fingers (and all our toes, for you toe fetishists)? And noses? As well as the part that's supposed to be sealed in latex in the first place? Absolutely not. Dr. Diggs does not approve.

"Condoms, condoms, condoms," cry university health staffs. Incredibly, condoms are offered up like sacrifices to ‘the pleasure god’….

Condom sacrifices to the pleasure god? Okay. Now this is just weird. Better doublecheck your HMO participating physicians roster to be on the safe side. I'm checking mine. Now.